Tuesday, 14 January 2014

How's January workin' out for ya?

I truly hate January. Not least because I am one of the innumerable who, despite having since April of last year to complete my tax return, prefer to leave it until New Year’s Day, just to cement how horrible the first month of the year can be. But I hate it for all sorts of other reasons – it’s effectively Winter without Christmas to look forward to. And holidays seem all too far away. As does pay day. So why, when it’s got so little going for it already, do we choose to do a complete body/soul/mind/upper thighs overhaul come January?

Well, let’s be fair, it’s probably not really our decision. Given that the entire of the media is saturated with diets, and exercise regimes and juice cleanses, and C list celebrities who’ve let themselves go, heading to the park in a crop top and a pair of pants, in the hope of that not so elusive exercise DVD deal. We probably had no hand in the decision at all. Except, mild rant coming on, there are no C list male celebrities out in their speedos. There are no pictures of lean men on the front of magazines or newspaper supplements. Only women. And consequently, I’d say the women I know doing some sort of diet or dry January, out number the men I know by about 10-1. So, just a small request – next year, can we have loads of pictures of hot men/flabby soapstars in all the press, and no women. Then we get to ogle and read the diet sheets. Pretty please.

But why January? One of my male friends asked why ‘us women’ don’t wait until March when it’s a bit sunnier/life is generally better. Cue responses from other women in the room that they need at least 3 months to get bikini ready, so they need to start before March. Now, I’m not really fussed about a bikini body. I’ve been letting it all hang out for many a year. But I did think it was a valid question – why put ourselves through the purgatory of a diet/no booze in the toughest month of the year? Well, I think it’s to lump all the shit stuff together: it’s quite likely your friends might also be doing no booze, so there’s no one there to tempt you. No one has any money in January, so you won’t have loads of social functions. And the weather is often miserable – so you might as well stay home, drink the pureed carrot and have a lot of sex. Probably not at the same time. Especially if you’re taking colon cleansers whilst you’re at it. My blog for Erotica will be up on line shortly which is all about making January the sex month. I’ll post it once it goes live.

Despite all the above, I have embarked upon a healthy January. Well, 6th Jan – 6th Feb cos we had friends for lunch on the 5th and I’m no party-pooper. I’m attempting Clean and Lean. It’s become a running joke with mon amour, as it sounds so athletic. It basically means no processed food or sugar. And I actually feel pretty good. Good in an energised and calm way. You know how when people on anti-depressants say they don’t get any lows, but they don’t get any highs? Well, that’s how it feels in terms of appetite/hormones.  I know, I’ll go to hell for likening health eating to anti-depressants. But there are no rushes – a slight hit from the caffeine (one cup a day and then green tea), but zero sugar hits. So we shall see how it goes. They say if you tell people what you’re doing, then you’re more likely to stick to it.... Obviously that doesn’t apply to all things. That would be weird. And would be oversharing. And I’d never recommend that.... 

And so, in conclusion, if you haven’t made a resolution, then don’t bother. If you have, tell people about it, but don’t beat yourself up if you fall by the wayside. And, if you’re anything like me, set yourself goals rather than resolutions. There’s nothing like a deadline to get your finger out of your bum ;-)


PS Heat magazine are launching a petition to make Blue Monday (20th Jan this year) a Bank Holiday. Whilst I am trying to wean myself off Heat Magazine, this seems to be a highly noble cause. You can read about it/sign up here.