For all the literature, all the free porn, all the primarily
patriarchal hype around sex that suggests men are always up for it, and women
are often claiming headaches, I would suggest that most women have a higher sex
drive than men. This sexually omnipotent and carnivorous man, twinned with a
nurofen’d up, limp woman, is a myth. One increasingly divorced from reality. I can only
speak for the women I know, and they vary in age, circumstance and background.
But they are all more sexually driven than the guys.
But that creates its own problems – namely that it is
assumed the woman is raring to go.... Alongside the sex drive issue, I’d also
suggest that there is a prevalent and underlying norm of the man as “initiator”
of sex. Yes, there are plenty of articles in Cosmo suggesting you surprise your
man in a Mac and nothing underneath, or blindfold him at dinner. But in my
experience, men rarely like surprises. And whilst those female instigated sex
sessions are fun and spontaneous, they aren’t considered the norm. If they
were, we wouldn’t be told to try them out – they’d already be common parlance.
The problem with the man as initiator of sex, is that it
takes him significantly less time to be ready for action. And if he’s
initiating, he’s probably been thinking about it for a while, so he’s already
gee’d up. And the woman might be completely unawares. And therein lies the rub.
The man is already nearly at the finish line, and the woman hasn’t put her
trainers on. I’m not talking about how long a guy lasts here. I’m talking about
the actual act of sex. And yes, I’m sure it happens the other way around too.
But I’d hazard a guess that that’s less frequent.
I would suggest that
in the same way a man takes it where he can get it when he’s single, a woman
takes it where she can get it when she’s attached. I can hear some women and
men reeling at this as they read it, but hey ho ;-) It's just a theory. Which leads the man to
think she’s always up for it and ready to go, when really, she still needs all
the foreplay she used to get. I’m not including quickies here – well up for
those, and often something rather hot about being bent over the sofa at a
moment’s notice (let's hope the boyfriend's mother isn't reading this post!). I’m also well aware that this isn’t the case for everyone – I
know there are plenty of women who experience a decrease in their sex drive, as
well as men; plenty of people who aren’t really all that fussed about sex, etc
etc. So I can only go on the experiences of myself and my friends.
I think we also suffer from a modern day feminist problem –
men have been encouraged to make sure the that the woman’s needs are taken care
of, or to put it another way, to make sure she comes first. Which can sometimes
lead to a “getting it out of the way”, for want of a better phrase. And that is
something to be avoided at all costs. Foreplay isn’t the woman’s orgasm. It’s all the stuff
that leads up to it. The stuff that gets her panting for you to venture
downwards and then go about making her come.
And so I find myself coming back to the question for the
couple in a long term relationship - How do we keep the foreplay up? Tracey Cox
would suggest you place his mouth on your nipple and say “I really like it when
you do that”, removing his hand should it venture between your legs until you’re
ready, and so on and so forth. But do we really want to have to ask further
down the line? How do we educate? And more importantly, are there things we’re
no longer doing to or for them, that we used to? How will they tell us? How do
you find a happy medium between the quickie and the 4hr sex sessions you had at
the beginning? How do you communicate that you’re turned on and still fancy
them, but that you also still need warming up?
I’m not sure I have any answers. But I think it’s something
that we don’t speak about, and we should. There’s a culture of talking about
every delightful gory detail with your friends, when it’s casual sex, but
people rarely talk about the ins and outs (I can’t help it) of sex in a
relationship when they’re with their mates. It’s not a done thing. Probably for
good reason, I hear my boyfriend wail as he reads this.
But it strikes me that that is the wider issue. Are we only
happy to talk about sex when it’s good? I’ll be honest, I doubt I’d write about
a lack of sex if there was one. I doubt I’d write about it if the sex was
awful. Maybe in a comedy sense, but certainly not in an honest, “let’s talk
about this” blog. Obviously we talk less once we’re with someone because
there’s a privacy element – I get that, believe it or not J
But it strikes me there’s still a gap in the market – somewhere between the
agony aunt pages, Ann Summers parties, and deafening silence.
A friend once said that when a relationship is good, sex is
10% of the equation, and when a relationship is bad, sex is 100% of it. I think
that makes a lot of sense. It shouldn’t be the be all and end all, but it is
what makes the difference between a friendship and a relationship – it’s pretty
important. And it deserves more honest and open dialogue. Not just within a
couple, but amongst friends, within society as a whole.
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