February - A Sexual New Page.....

January is over. You can officially abandon the failed resolutions. Or can you?

Forget the diets (well, I say that, but I am attempting no booze/processed foods for the next 2 weeks. I know. Total yawn), forget the overpriced January gym memberships, and try to ignore the frankly appalling weather. You’ve probably given up on the first two already.

The New Year has passed. It's mid Feb. Your resolutions might have gone awry, but you can begin again! You remember that back to school feeling – a new pencil case (just me?), a new skirt that you could hitch up when you were out of sight of your parents, and a new notebook – blank and clean for your innumerable and not so clean thoughts ;-) It strikes me that February, unlike January, shouldn’t be about aesthetic improvements, but mental and emotional ones. A chance to write a new page – a sexual new page. You could:

1)   Adopt the 5-2 diet of sex – you could have sex 5 days a week with 2 days off, or twice a week with 5 days off, or if your sexual appetites are somewhat different, you could swap each week. I’m guessing I know which one I’d pick....

2)   Dry February/March. Literally. Dry. No sex for Feb and March. Now, I’m not entirely sure what the benefits of this would be. Maybe to build up anticipation/sexual frustration/test your relationship to breaking point? That sort of jazz...? Or you could view it as a ‘no penetration’ February. Which might be a good way to explore more foreplay and alternative endings. Well, I say alternative. I don’t mean no climax. Just maybe different types... Tantra? Multiple? Another female orgasm post the male one? The choice is yours. Well, it might be his, in which case he might go for the face/breasts every time, but a change is as good as a rest, so they say.

3)   A new position each time? You could make it your mission to get through the Kama Sutra in February. And March. Or twice a day for the rest of Feb.... Now, like they say on all good gym applications, consult your doctor if you’ve got any conditions that might make the positions fatal. But it would certainly cheer up the cold rainy nights eh? We usually have wine on a Saturday night, but I’ve suggested we have sex marathons instead. I think he’d prefer the wine, truth be told, but he’s having the Lotus. Like it or not.

4)   Just oral for a month? Not quite the Slim Fast diet, admittedly. But nutritious just the same, so I’m told.

5)   Have sex every day in February and March. It’s a tall order, I know. But if there’s ever a month to do it, January is surely it. And this woman had sex every day for a year and overcame her body insecurities along with it, so a month isn’t so much to ask, is it? 

Whatever you do this month, be safe and don’t take yourself too seriously – have a laugh, make up a silly tune, pull a funny face. Tell a bad joke that you find hysterically funny. Sex should be fun. You don’t have to work through all your best impressions and anecdote repertoire whilst engaging in one sesh, but a little light-heartedness amongst all that passion can work a treat. 

Gem x

What would my Matriarchy look like?

Towards the end of last year, I went to see Bridget Christie’s wonderful one woman show ‘A Bic for Her’. It’s all about feminism. It is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time, so go grab yourself a ticket if you haven’t already. Bridget says the definition of feminism, is, basically, equality. Which raised a lot of questions for me – do we want equality in all things? I for one am more than happy for a chap to give up his seat on an overcrowded bus for me. Providing he hasn’t assumed I’m pregnant #firstworldproblemsforthelargerlady. And if we do want equality, how do we get it? And, more fundamentally, what does that equality look like? The sort of questions you could spend a lifetime exploring. Much like the ‘1001 wines you must try before you die’ book I saw in the off license yesterday. So that’s the next 20 years sorted ;-)

So I started thinking (on the basis that we do live in a Patriarchy), what would a Matriarchy look like? Or rather, what would my Matriarchy look like? I found a brilliant article by Gloria Steinmen called ‘If Men Could Menstruate’, which the female readers (and maybe the male) will enjoy J But I also wrote my own list – it’s far less radical than some I found on google. And I’m not entirely sure it’s a Matriarchy, rather just how I’d like the world to be for a bit – so we could sit in it, live in it, see how it feels, and then work out which bits work and which bits don’t. So here goes:

-          A crèche in all workplaces

-          Non gender specific sport at schools

-          All toys and clothes to be non gender specific (I’m talking primarily colours here, rather than not allowing for breasts and genitalia). 

-          Naked men on Page 3. And on TV for that matter. Think Daniel Craig coming out of the water in that Bond Movie. But all the time. 

-          Men legally required to take the pill (and thus responsibility for pregnancy) unless the couple have agreed they want a child. ie all single men must take the pill. We keep the periods, they can handle a few chemicals.

-          Men have taken on the mantle of organising all social activities/maintaining friendships, and women just rock up.

-          Generally accepted that men do all the cooking and washing, and women do it occasionally as a token gesture.

-          Teenage sexuality comprises mostly of boys going down on girls, rather than girls scrambling to oblige blow job requests in cupboards at parties.

 

-          Men cry as much as women. And that’s ok. In fact, it is positively encouraged. As is men talking all about their feelings

-          All writing/imagery about women should be to do with health and strength, rather than weight. 

-          Air brushing is subject to regulation and legal limits – not entirely sure how we’d police/mandate that – maybe 2% max off the inner thigh, 5% on the boobs, 10% on the testicles.... that sort of thing. 

-          TV panel shows are full of funny, ballsy, witty women, who take up the majority of air time, and then there’s just a token male guest who gets the odd line (cf Bridget Christie, and in fact, all female comedians....!).

-          The cultural perception of women who explore their sexuality and sleep around is one of heroism and empowerment. Men who do the same are viewed as slutty. 

-          Christian Louboutin has developed magic shoes, at a 10^th of the price, which make walking in heels as easy as walking in flip flops. This has also coincided with fetishism of men with thin feet, thus forcing a large percentage of the male population to walk in highly uncomfortable shoes if they wish to get laid.

-          Strip joints become properly unisex. I have no issue with men going to watch naked women. I just think us women should have a similar area in each of the clubs. But maybe just with naked men who give us massages/blow-dries whilst reading aloud some erotic literature.

So, those are my suggestions. I’m sure there are far more worthy ones. I look forward to hearing yours ;-)

Gem x

How's January workin' out for ya?

I truly hate January. Not least because I am one of the innumerable who, despite having since April of last year to complete my tax return, prefer to leave it until New Year’s Day, just to cement how horrible the first month of the year can be. But I hate it for all sorts of other reasons – it’s effectively Winter without Christmas to look forward to. And holidays seem all too far away. As does pay day. So why, when it’s got so little going for it already, do we choose to do a complete body/soul/mind/upper thighs overhaul come January?

Well, let’s be fair, it’s probably not really our decision. Given that the entire of the media is saturated with diets, and exercise regimes and juice cleanses, and C list celebrities who’ve let themselves go, heading to the park in a crop top and a pair of pants, in the hope of that not so elusive exercise DVD deal. We probably had no hand in the decision at all. Except, mild rant coming on, there are no C list male celebrities out in their speedos. There are no pictures of lean men on the front of magazines or newspaper supplements. Only women. And consequently, I’d say the women I know doing some sort of diet or dry January, out number the men I know by about 10-1. So, just a small request – next year, can we have loads of pictures of hot men/flabby soapstars in all the press, and no women. Then we get to ogle and read the diet sheets. Pretty please.

But why January? One of my male friends asked why ‘us women’ don’t wait until March when it’s a bit sunnier/life is generally better. Cue responses from other women in the room that they need at least 3 months to get bikini ready, so they need to start before March. Now, I’m not really fussed about a bikini body. I’ve been letting it all hang out for many a year. But I did think it was a valid question – why put ourselves through the purgatory of a diet/no booze in the toughest month of the year? Well, I think it’s to lump all the shit stuff together: it’s quite likely your friends might also be doing no booze, so there’s no one there to tempt you. No one has any money in January, so you won’t have loads of social functions. And the weather is often miserable – so you might as well stay home, drink the pureed carrot and have a lot of sex. Probably not at the same time. Especially if you’re taking colon cleansers whilst you’re at it. My blog for Erotica will be up on line shortly which is all about making January the sex month. I’ll post it once it goes live.

Despite all the above, I have embarked upon a healthy January. Well, 6^th Jan – 6^th Feb cos we had friends for lunch on the 5^th and I’m no party-pooper. I’m attempting Clean and Lean. It’s become a running joke with mon amour, as it sounds so athletic. It basically means no processed food or sugar. And I actually feel pretty good. Good in an energised and calm way. You know how when people on anti-depressants say they don’t get any lows, but they don’t get any highs? Well, that’s how it feels in terms of appetite/hormones.  I know, I’ll go to hell for likening health eating to anti-depressants. But there are no rushes – a slight hit from the caffeine (one cup a day and then green tea), but zero sugar hits. So we shall see how it goes. They say if you tell people what you’re doing, then you’re more likely to stick to it.... Obviously that doesn’t apply to all things. That would be weird. And would be oversharing. And I’d never recommend that.... 

And so, in conclusion, if you haven’t made a resolution, then don’t bother. If you have, tell people about it, but don’t beat yourself up if you fall by the wayside. And, if you’re anything like me, set yourself goals rather than resolutions. There’s nothing like a deadline to get your finger out of your bum ;-)

x

 

PS Heat magazine are launching a petition to make Blue Monday (20^th Jan this year) a Bank Holiday. Whilst I am trying to wean myself off Heat Magazine, this seems to be a highly noble cause. You can read about it/sign up here.