I’ve read a slew of articles over the past year or so, with
women fessing up about how they’ve lost friendships because they started
earning more money than their best mate or vice versa, or how they were ‘dumped’
by a friend, or they’ve done the dumping. Wikipedia defines Friendship as a ‘relationship
between two people who hold mutual affection for each other’. It then goes on
to say that the value of friendship is often the result of friends consistently
demonstrating the following:
- The tendency to desire what is best for the
other
- Sympathy
and empathy
- Honesty,
even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
- Mutual understanding
and compassion;
ability to go to each other for emotional support
- Enjoyment of each other's company
- Trust in one another
- Positive reciprocity — equal
give-and-take between the two parties
- The ability to be oneself, express
one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement
Now, a brief look
at the above makes me think that to do all of those things is a pretty tall
order. How many times do we tell white lies to our friends? How often could we
say that’s there is equal give and take? How many friends do we have who we
know won’t judge us at all, and vice versa?
Our behaviour and
our attitudes change as we do – for example – aren’t we more likely to judge a
friend in a deteriorating relationship who has cheated on their partner, if we’ve
been cheated on? How do a couple who are struggling to conceive deal with their
friends getting pregnant – how overjoyed can they get, or pretend to get, when
they so desperately want what their friends have? And similarly, how awkward do
the couple who are pregnant feel around those friends – how does that impact on
the friendships...Trust changes – if you tell a secret to a single friend, that’s
different to telling a secret to an attached one – the latter inevitably means
that 2 people know, not just your best bud. Which isn’t to say that the single
friend might not at some point share your story. And positive reciprocity is a
tough one – equal give and take – how does that work when one earns ten times
what the other earns. It’s not all about money obviously – it’s about caring,
time spent, thoughtfulness, showing up etc etc, but how do those friendships
navigate socializing, birthdays and Christmas when the financial disparity is
so great?
Friendships ebb and flow. It’s taken me a good few years to
learn that. And we have friends for different reasons, for different occasions,
for different periods of our lives. We have friends we call when we want them
to agree, and friends we call who we know won’t agree, will tell us the harsh
truth and challenge us like we need to be challenged. We all have mates who are
always late, or always unreliable, or who always cancel, or who never pick up
the phone and always wait for us to contact them. And we probably do all of
those things ourselves with certain friends, even though we’d hate to admit it.
Especially at the moment that someone’s done it to us.
I think as you get older, you learn to accept people the way
they are – or you let them go. Because they’re unlikely to change, and the
dynamics of the friendship are unlikely to change. Expecting the friend who
always waits for you to organise everything to suddenly start planning evenings
out, is like expecting the fuckbuddy to turn around and propose marriage. It’s
rare that the nature of the friendship changes to that great an extent. Unless
something dramatic happens in one or either life. And it’s especially rare that
the dynamics within a group of friends changes, particularly those which are
longstanding. Everyone has their place, their status within the group – so the
one who got picked on at school, will remain the butt of jokes in adulthood, because
those people need those relationships to stay as they are – they are part of
what makes us who we are. Shatter those, and what becomes of us....?
The loss of friendship can be huge. Sometimes it’s mutual –
a gradual growing apart, where both parties both think well of the other, check
their Facebook page every once in a while and wish them Happy Birthday. If you
bumped into them in the street, you’d probably go for a cuppa, catch up, and
then not see them again for years. But some aren’t mutual – they can be messy,
painful, awkward and more. I’ve let a few friendships go in my time – if someone
has consistently behaved badly, or broken trust, then I’ve sadly found myself
withdrawing. Often because initially it hurts, and after that, you just think
that you don’t really want that person to be a part of your life anymore. But
on the other side, I’ve lost a couple of friends and I’m not entirely sure why.
I’ve probably said or done something I shouldn’t, or just generally been
irritating or too outspoken, and that person has withdrawn. And as years go by,
it feels like it’s far too late to ask why, to understand, to apologise. And
pointless. Because they’ve made their decision, and there’s really very little
you can do about it. Which is fine if you’re not really in touch anymore, less
easy if they’re still in your social circle. But you get on with it - aware you’ve
probably fucked up, or been misunderstood. Either way, it’s done. And there’s
someone out there wondering the same about why you’re no longer close to them.
But I’m also a believer that as you get older and life
changes you, that some of those friendships that have been lost, or aren’t as
close, may yet evolve. And even when you think you don’t have enough time in
the day, new people come into your life and become great friends – there’s
always room for another.
Finally, what started me writing about Friendship today, was
a Facebook rant from an acquaintance of mine, who updated his status saying
that he had had it with Friends who were using him, who took freebies off him, that
he was all out of money and freebies, so not to contact him unless they wanted
to give him something back. He was clearly aggravated (and has since removed
the post), but it sort of amused me. Because there was this idea that
friendship is transactional. Less about give and take, and more about ‘I’ve
given you x amount in the last year, so I’d like x amount back’. I also
instinctively think that what often annoys us about people is stuff that we
maybe recognise in ourselves a bit..... But it’s funny, because the idea that
Friendship is ever truly even is just bonkers. The best you can do is nurture
the friendships that you want to keep, because they do take work. And accept
that it’s never going to be truly reciprocal, but it should all even out in the
wash. And if it doesn’t, it’s your choice to keep that person in your life and
accept them as they are.
No comments:
Post a Comment